The magazine Readers Digest has a regular column entitled, “Laughter is the best medicine.” Did they borrow that phrase from the above scripture? Perhaps, but regardless of their inspiration, they reveal a truth which the Bible has been telling us for thousands of years: Laughter is good for our well being. God wants us to be happy and often experience the benefit of laughter, or a merry heart. Again in Provers 15:13, the writer says: “A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance.” We hope that you will enjoy the following excursions into humor. Although much humor is based on ridicule and irreverence to some extent, each of these selections have been limited to those which hopefully preserve tastefulness and deliver a fundamental truth. As new bits of humor come our way, they shall be appended to the top of each section list, so that you may access them without needless scrolling.
ONE LINERS & SHORT WIT
The best journeys answer the best questions you never thought to ask.
Free people are not equal. Equal people are not free.
The dog is now upset with his master. It seems that the master of the house never let the dog bring sticks and branches into the house. Now, it's not going down too well with the dog that the master has brought into the house a whole tree for Christmas.
Three states of sleep:
As a child - you don’t want to sleep but you have to.
As an adult - you want to sleep but you can’t.
As a senior - you don’t want to sleep but you do.
It doesn’t seem to matter who puts the butter dish on the table. It always needs turned end for end.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I am frustrated when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
Lord, when I am wrong, make me willing to change, and when I am right ... make me easy to live with.
Every morning in Africa, a Gazelle wakes up knowing that it must run faster than the fastest Lion or it will be killed.
Every morning a Lion wakes up knowing that it must outrun the slowest Gazelle or it will starve to death.
So, it doesn’t matter whether you're a Gazelle or a Lion, when the sun comes up, you had better be running.
“There was a man, some called him mad. The more he gave, the more he had.” - John Bunyan
Don’t criticize me for what you think I said.
If BACON is Bacon and COOKIES are cookies, then why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
After you present a challenging question to someone:
If they look down, they are preparing to lie.
If they look up, they don’t know the answer.
If they look to the side, they are preparing to substitute an easier question in place of your question.
If they look you straight in the eye, they are usually telling the truth.
Unless, of course, they have previously read this.
Why would a psychic ask for your name and phone number?
I am only responsible for what I actually say; not what you interpret or assume.
“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.”
“A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” - Lana Turner
Domestic Violence Statistic: No husband has ever been shot, knifed, clubbed, slapped, or impugned in any way while drying the dishes.
I considered atheism but there weren’t enough holidays.
Some people are like lava lamps: fun to watch but not too bright.
If aliens are looking for intelligent life, then why are you so scared?
Hagar the Horrible: “A true Viking never admits he’s wrong and NEVER, EVER apologizes.”
Lucky Eddie: “I'm sorry, I didn’t know.”
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems.
After meeting Jesus, true Wise Men walk a different path.
“I learned more about Christianity from my mother than from all the theologians of England.” - John Wesley
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.” - Bertrand Russell
“A lie can be half way around the world before the truth can get its boots on.” - Mark Twain
I used to be schizophrenic but we’re okay now.
I walked a mile with Happiness. She chattered all the way.
And left me none the wiser, for all she had to say.
I walked a mile with Sorrow, and not one word said she.
But oh the things I learned from her, when Sorrow walked with me.
A true friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you are too sad to remember the words.
Falling down doesn’t make you a failure, but staying down does.
God doesn’t call the able. He enables the called.
If a person doesn’t stand for something, they will fall for anything.
Amateurs train until they get it right. Professionals train until they don’t get it wrong.
He who dies with the most toys - is still dead.
Snowflakes are the most delicate of creation, but look what they can accomplish when they all stick together.
Don’t count your years. Make your years count.
“It is better to go through life with a scarred-up body than a scarred-up soul.” - Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
WORK - like you don’t need the money || LOVE - like you've never been hurt || DANCE - like nobody’s watching
“They who have put out the people’s eyes, reproach them of their blindness.” - John Milton
“You can fool all the people some of the time.
You can fool some of the people all of the time.
But you can’t fool all the people all of the time.” - Abraham Lincoln
“It’s not the crime that kills you. It’s the cover-up.” - Richard Nixon
A true friend is one who reaches for the hand, but ultimately touches the heart.
“No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted.” - Aesop
"An optimist sees an opportunity in every calamity; a pessimist sees a calamity in every opportunity.” - Winston Churchill
Tech Support: “Good morning, How can I help you?”
Caller: “Every time I hit Backspace, it keeps erasing what I just typed.”
If you send your children to Caesar for their education, don’t be surprised when they come home behaving like Romans.
Some people can look to the stars and still not see the light.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections.
Talking is a very dangerous thing to do. Not only can you not learn anything while speaking, but it quickly demonstrates to anyone listening just how incredibly smart, or incredibly stupid you really are.
You can’t learn much from people who already agree with you.
“We have grasped the mystery of the atom and rejected the Sermon on the Mount.
Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. We know more about war
than we do about peace - more about killing than we do about living.” - General Omar Bradley
“He who does not have the Church as a Mother, does not have God as a Father.” - John Calvin
“Without justice, what are kingdoms but bands of robbers?” - Saint Augustine
God doesn’t need us. He wants us.
Either the Bible will keep you from sin, or sin will keep you from the Bible.
“It is good that we find war so horrible, or else we would become fond of it.” - General Robert E. Lee
Don’t get caught up in the work of the Lord to the point where, you lose sight of the Lord of the work.
Experience is what you get, when you don’t get what you wanted.
In the ancient world, cats were once worshiped as gods. They have not forgotten this.
The farmer will permit you to cross his field for free, but the bull will charge you.
Someone climbed a difficult mountain that had claimed many lives.
A friend said: “Did you go up there to die?”
“No,” said the climber, “I went up there to live.”
Don’t drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
“Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.” - Abraham Lincoln
The world can do what most Christians are doing, but most Christians are not doing what the world cannot do.
God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages.
Everyone dies but not everyone lives.
Your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency for everyone else.
A government powerful enough to give you everything you need is powerful enough to take everything you have - including your life.
“The subtle danger in life is not that our goals are too high and we miss them, but that they are too low and we reach them.” - Michelangelo
“The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.” - Vince Lombardi
Trust is hard to win, and even harder to win back.
I'll believe in psychics when they consistently win at the casino.
“No matter how much cats like to fight, there always seems to be no shortage of kittens.” - Abraham Lincoln
You can’t set sail to discover new worlds unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shoreline.
Don’t tell God about the storms in your life. || Tell the storms about the God in your life.
Window Ad: “Ears pierced while you wait.”
“The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.” - Plutarch
“Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire.” W.B. Yeats
The past is not a sofa but a springboard into the future.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Well adjusted people play golf as though it was just a game.
Think PUSH: Pray Until Something Happens.
Don’t squeal before you get stuck.
A smile is a curve that will set things straight.
The heart of worship is worship from the heart.
I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.
“If we seek to be loved, if we expect to be loved, this cannot be accomplished;
We will be dependent and grasping, not genuinely loving.
But when we nurture ourselves and others without a primary concern of finding reward,
Then we will have become lovable, and the reward of being loved, which we have not sought, will find us.” - M. Scott Peck
As you go through life my friend, whatever be your goal. Remember to keep you eye on the donut and not on the hole.
“If a government runs efficiently then it must be a dictatorship.” - Harry S. Truman
Man offers a hopeless end. God offers an endless hope.
Your altitude in life is related to your attitude down on earth.
Create the world of your dreams with every choice that you make.
Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.
There is no I in Team.
A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
God permits U turns.
If a cat swallowed a ball of wool, would it then have mittens?
Life is not measured by the number of breaths that we take but by the moments that take our breath away.
Under the hard exterior of most people is someone who desperately longs to be loved and appreciated.
“It is not what men eat but what they digest that makes them strong; not what we gain but what we save that makes us rich; not what we read but what we remember that makes us learned; not what we preach but what we practice that makes us Christians.” - Francis Bacon
“I like nonsense - it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope that enables you to laugh at all of life’s realities.” - Theodore Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
Today’s mighty oak is yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
“I’m not young enough to know everything.” - Oscar Wilde
The only truly secure computer is one that is not connected to a network, and not connected to the Internet, and also powered off.
A day hemmed with prayer is less likely to unravel.
A person on their knees before God can stand upright before anything.
“In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.” - Dereke Bruce
Which hurts the most: The words of our enemies or the silence of our friends?
Be an organ Donor ... Give your Heart to Jesus.
A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.
The high road is traveled with integrity, compassion and understanding. People don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care.
Never ask a barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if you need a new car.
Many conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of a witness.
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
Anybody who sleeps like a baby doesn’t have one.
The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
“There are two kinds of mosquitoes in Louisiana. Those small enough to get through screen doors - and those big enough to open them.” - Elliot Silverstein
“Never have more children than you have car windows.” - Erma Bombeck
“The Bible must shape your experiences not your experiences shape the Bible.” - Henry Blackaby
Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Philosophy is what you do when you don’t have the right questions.
If your pencil doesn’t have a good eraser, don’t even think of doing genealogical research.
“In spite of everything, I still believe that people are truly good at heart.” - Anne Frank
Be bold in what you stand for and careful what you fall for.
Want to make God smile? Then tell Him how well you have planned for tomorrow.
People judge you by your actions - not your good intentions. It’s not enough to have a heart of gold. So do hard boiled eggs.
Most people are products of what they read, or don’t read.
Some people live as though they'll never die, only to die and realize they never lived.
Middle age is that interesting period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature. Or, was it the other way around?
There is a time when History can be changed - it is called Today.
We do not stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing.
One thought driven home is better than three good ones left on base.
Appreciation is like an insurance policy. It needs to be renewed periodically.
One does not have a habit. It has you.
God plays no role in my life. He is the Director!
People may doubt what you say but they'll believe what you do.
The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
If you do not want to reap the fruits of sin, then stay out of the devil’s orchard.
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
Experience is what you get, when you don’t get what you want.
Be careful of the words you say, just keep them soft and sweet. You never know from day to day, which ones you'll have to eat.
As long as there are mid-term exams, there will be prayer in public schools.
“You can’t make a silk purse from a pig’s ear.” - Charles Haddon Spurgeon
“Wars are poor chisels for carving out peaceful tomorrows.” Martin Luther King, Jr.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
There’s just so much bad in the best of us, and so much good in the worst of us, that most of us should not be judging any of us.
Never use absolutes.
While you are climbing the ladder of success, make sure that it is leaning against the right building.
Grief is the agony of the moment. Clinging to it is the blunder of a lifetime.
Genealogy without valid documentation is mythology.
Live for Today. Dream for Tomorrow. Learn from Yesterday.
“The man who strikes first, admits that his ideas have given out.” - Chinese Proverb
The difference between a banjo and a lawn mower is that you can tune the lawn mower.
For some people, tennis is their racquet, while for others, the piano is more their forte.
It does not matter where you live, as long as you live where you are.
“Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but usually manages to pick himself up, walk over or around it, and carry on.” - Sir Winston Churchill
Q: Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter?
A: Eskimo Pi
You make a living by what you get. You make a life by what you give.
When weeding your garden, the best way to determine whether you are removing a weed or a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground very easily, it is a valuable plant.
“Civilization is the progress toward a society of privacy.
The savage’s whole existence is public, ruled by the laws of his tribe.
Civilization is the process of setting man free from men.” - Ayn Rand
Professor: “Total explicitness is impossible!”
Student: “What do you mean by that?”
Professor: “That’s what I mean by that.”
“Honesty consists of the unwillingness to lie to others; Maturity ... consists of the unwillingness to lie to oneself.” - Sydney J. Harris
Unbeliever: “Do you really believe that Jesus turned water into wine?!”
New Convert: “I don’t know about wine, but I know that He turned beer into furniture in my living room.”
The sound of freedom is heard the loudest when it ceases to exist.
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
“Opportunity is often disguised in coveralls and seems like hard work.” - Thomas Edison
It’s a grave mistake to bury your spiritual gifts.
“We herd sheep, we drive cattle, we lead people.” - George Patton
You can’t make the accusation if you don’t understand the tactic.
If there is no trail, the path is not well marked.
Justice is when you get what you deserve.
Mercy is when you don’t get what you deserve.
Grace is when you get what you don’t deserve.
Erudition can produce foliage without bearing fruit.
Better to add life to your years, than years to your life.
“Has your life mattered? Because after you die, they're going to drop you into a hole in the ground, stomp ground on top of you and then go back to the church to eat potato salad.” - Tony Campolo
“Most Christians are biblically educated far beyond their willingness or desire for obedience.” - John Maxwell
As we keep on collecting more and more stuff.
We sometimes complain that we don’t have enough.
But let us be thankful for what God has sent,
With food and with clothing may we be content.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are dull, some are pretty, some have weird names, and all are different colors ...but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
Wood warms a man twice; once as it’s cut and again when it burns.
It’s hard to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys.
We turkeys may not soar but we don’t get sucked into jet engines either!
“A friend is the first person to come in, when the whole world goes out.” - Henry Durbanville
I went outside to find a friend, but could not find one there. I went outside to be a friend, and friends were everywhere.
Anger is one letter away from danger.
Great minds contemplate the significance of existence.
Average minds discuss places and events.
Small minds talk about other people.
Tiny minds talk about themselves.
“Wealth stays with us for only a brief moment, if at all, but our character remains with us forever.” - Euripides
The New Testament is in the Old Testament contained. || The Old Testament is in the New Testament explained.
When people start judging my Bible with their interpretations, that’s when I start judging their interpretations with my Bible.
“The difference between real-life stories and fiction is that fiction has to make sense.” - Tom Clancy
A Bible that is falling apart is usually owned by someone who isn’t.
It’s what you learn after you know it all that matters.
Christianity is relational. Pecking orders are for chickens!
“A Christian should always remember that the value of his good works is not based on their number and excellence, but on the love of God which prompts him to do these things.” - St. John of the Cross (1542-1591)
JUST - is one of the most unnecessary words in the English language. “Wait a minute” and “JUST wait a minute” expect the same result.
“To say yes, you have to sweat and roll up your sleeves and plunge both hands into life up to the elbows. It’s easy to say no, even if it means dying.” - Jean Anouilh
“I want to know God’s thoughts. The rest are details.” - Albert Einstein
A successful path begins with math.
3 nails + 1 cross = 4 given
Over exposure to the Son will prohibit burning.
“If you don’t know where you are going, any road will take you there." - Talmud
If grace is free, then why are Christian books so expensive?
“Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don’t add up." - James Magary
Success is a father but failure is an orphan.
“Perspective is the rein and rudder of painting" - Leonardo da Vinci
Tough times teach trust.
“Missions are to the church what burning is to the fire." - Emil Brunner
I'd rather be a maladjusted saint, than a well adjusted sinner.
We fix what your husband repaired (sign on repair van).
Time is one of the greatest of counselors.
“Every person is a quotation of their ancestors.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I always dress when I go to work.
“The best way to destroy your enemies is to make them your friends. - Abraham Lincoln
“He who is poor fears nothing; he has nothing to lose.” - Johann Reuchlin
“Three things in life are inevitable: Death, Taxes, and Software Patches.”
...and lead us not into temptation, for we seem to be quite good at doing that ourselves.
The good Lord didn’t create anything without a purpose, but the fly and mosquito come very close.
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
Opportunity may knock once but temptation will knock for years.
People want the front of the bus - the middle of the road - and the back of the church.
“If that song didn’t light your fire, your wood’s wet.” - George Younce (bass singer for The Cathedrals)
No animals were harmed in the creation of this document.
“A dead thing can go with the stream ... but only a living thing can go against it.” - G.K. Chesterton
History is written by the winners.
Live simply that others might simply live.
We move in the direction of our most dominate thoughts.
Resources are not inherited from our parents, they are borrowed from our children.
Love is nature’s way of tricking you into thinking that some people are really different.
All children smile in the same language.
A goal properly set is halfway reached, but a goal without a plan is little more than a wish.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t need to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t need to hear about the way his mother cooked.
Candidate: Someone who gets money from the rich and votes for the poor to protect them from each other.
Diets are selections of food that make other people lose weight.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
Baby Sitter: A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Statistics are people with tears removed from their eyes.
Postal workers never lose their Zip.
Fish stay out of trouble by keeping their mouths shut.
If you don’t know how to do something, go ahead and start anyway, because in five minutes there'll be someone around to tell you that you're doing it all wrong.
The two most important senses we have are horse and common.
Why hire someone with a divining rod to find water when a kid with new shoes will do it for free?
Morning is the time of day when the retiring generation is rising and the rising generation is retiring.
CLOSET : That’s where you keep your stuff, while you're out trying to acquire more stuff.
Flowers have to go through a lot of dirt before they bloom.
When you bury the hatchet, don’t leave the handle sticking out.
Mud thrown is lost ground.
Experience is the label that most people give to their mistakes.
Don’t use big words when diminutive operands will suffice.
All generalizations are false.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
The meek shall inherit the earth ... if there’s anything left.
Time is just nature’s way to keep everything from happening at once.
Question: What should you do with a blue monster?
Answer: Cheer him up!
Some people see things and ask: “Why?”
Some people see the non-existent and ask: “Why not?”
A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not it’s purpose.
Faith is attempting the absurd to acquire the impossible.
Vision without Action is a daydream.
Action without Vision is a nightmare.
“What part of THOU SHALT NOT didn’t you understand?”
If you talk to yourself - you're Okay.
If you answer yourself - you're probably Okay.
If you reply to yourself with, Huh? - you've got a problem.
If guns cause crime then pencils cause misspelled words.
“Religion without science is lame. Science without religion is blind.” - Albert Einstein
Hire the best people for the job ... then get out of their way.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Turtles move ahead only after sticking out their necks.
Spy report from the Promised Land: Ten Spies - “No Way!” / Two Spies - “No Sweat!”
Fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing.
Spy report from the Promised Land: Ten Spies - “No Way!” / Two Spies - “No Sweat!”
“What we love we shall grow to resemble” - Bernard of Clairvaux
Noah’s Ark was built by amateurs.
The Titanic was built by professionals.
If you find one other person who agrees with your theology, you are now qualified to start a denomination.
My wife complains that I never listen to her ... or something like that.
When the devil reminds you of your past, just remind him of his future.
Sermonettes make Christianettes.
Father to 4 year old: “Darling, do you know how to dial 911?”
4 year old to father: “Yeeeah, 9 1 1”
Lord, please make me the kind of person that my dog thinks I am.
At my age, I've seen it all, heard it all, and done it all, but now, I just can’t seem to remember it all.
Character is doing the right thing when no one is looking.
“An error is the more dangerous in proportion to the degree of truth which it contains.” - Henri-Frederic Amiel
People who cook up stories may get themselves into hot water.
If you spend more time on what Christ want’s you to become, you'll spend less time on what you have been.
Put Christ FIRST if you want your marriage to LAST.
Man: Seeing is believing.
God: Believing is seeing.
Activists are more strongly opposed to fur than to leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
You are young only once but you can stay immature indefinitely.
Women can push a cart through a supermarket at $85 an hour.
The secret of being a saint ... is being a saint in secret.
When ministers start judging my Bible with their sermons ... that’s when I begin judging their sermons with my Bible.
God never puts anyone in a place that is too small to grow in.
It is chance that makes brothers but hearts that make friends.
When God measures a person, the tape measure is placed around the heart, not around the the head.
Life with Christ is an endless hope.
Life without Christ is a hopeless end.
Get your direction before you try for distance.
People may doubt what you say, but they will believe what you do.
It doesn’t take the future long to be the present.
Adam’s Rib + Satan’s Fib = Women’s Lib.
Bumper Sticker: My Karma runs over your Dogma.
Adam’s Rib + Satan’s Fib = Women’s Lib.
If you CAN’t do anything about it - why worry?
If you CAN do something about it - why worry?
Life ends when we die ... only if we chose not to seek God while we live.
Minds are like parachutes ... they work best when open.
Two men walked into a bar ... the third one ducked.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in my car.
He who laughs last ... thinks the slowest.
If you want the traffic light to turn green:
pick up a road map,
adjust the radio,
search for a tissue,
try to take a picture,
reach for a can of soda,
notice attractive people,
search for something in the back seat,
try to read a billboard,
wind down a window,
reach for your cell phone.
Very funny, Scotty! Now beam up my clothes!
Room for improvement is the largest room in the world.
All those who believe in psychokinesis ... raise my hand.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Whitewashing the pump will not purify the water.
Many of today’s open minds should be closed for repairs.
Okay, so what’s the speed of dark?
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bare arms.
Those who stand for nothing will fall for anything.
Buddhist refused Novocaine because he wanted to “transcend dental medication.”
Those who stand for nothing will fall for anything.
Buddhist says to hotdog vendor: “Make me one with everything.”
Cars aren’t the only things recalled by their maker.
“Too many modern youngsters were spocked’ when they should have been spanked!’ ” - Paul Harvey
“I would rather have a newspaper without a government, than a government without a newspaper.” - Thomas Jefferson
“Other books were given for our information, but the Bible was given for our transformation.”
Teacher: “Do you know who Joan of Arc was?”
Student: “The wife of Noah?”
“I believe a knowledge of the Bible without a college course, more valuable than a college course without a Bible.” - William Lyon Phelps
Beautiful young people are incidents of nature, beautiful old people are works of art.
“What God wants is men great enough to be small enough to be used.” - H.W. Webb-Peploe
“If we paid no more attention to our plants than we have to our children, we would now be living in a jungle of weeds.” - Luther Burbank
“Our church seems so cold, how can we improve it? Build a fire in the pulpit!” - D.L. Moody
“If translators go much farther in modernizing the Scriptures, they'll have the 5,000 fed on a bucket of Kentucky Fried chicken.” - Red O'Connell
“What a pity that so many have sight, but cannot see.” - Helen Keller
One couple has so many mortgages on their home, that they refer to it as their “lein-to.”
The only exercise some people get is:
pushing their luck,
running down their friends,
jumping to conclusions,
and rolling into lot’s of debt.
Man: “Your sermon reminded me of the peace and mercy of God.”
Pastor: “How’s that.”
Man: “It passed all understanding, and could have endured forever.”
“It is a capital mistake to theorise before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts.” - Sherlock Holmes
OOOOOOPS! DID THEY REALLY MEAN THAT?
Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: “The Gates of Heaven". Just below that was a small cardboard sign which read: “Please use other entrance.”
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. “What denomination?” asked the clerk. “Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones.”
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: “When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money.” “Well, thank you,” the pastor replied, “any special reason?” The lad affirmative replied, “Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had.”
The pastor was sitting in the living room, waiting for his busy hosts to announce that Sunday dinner was finally ready. Amusingly, he asked their five year old son what they were having for dinner. ”Goat” was his timid reply. “Goat?” asked the pastor. “Are you sure?” “Yea,” replied the little boy. “I heard my daddy telling my mommy that it was about time we had that old goat for dinner!”
Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, “Daddy, how do you know what to draw?” Bill said, “God tells me!” To which Jeffy replied, “Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?“
CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Don’t let worry destroy you - let the Church help.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for Thursday has been canceled due to a conflict.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 pm. Please use the back door.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. McDonnell.
Don’t let worry destroy you, let the church help.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Potluck supper at 7:30 p.m. with prayer and medication to follow.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning
Choir director invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join our choir.
CHURCH BOARD SIGNS
Church Parking Lot - FOR MEMBERS ONLY. Trespassers will be baptized!
“No God - No Peace.” / “Know God - Know Peace.”
Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!
Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.
Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.
Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!
(An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads)
“For fast relief, take two tablets and call me daily.”
(A singing group called The Resurrection’ had a performance postponed due to a big snowstorm. The pastor had the sign to read)
“Resurrection is postponed.”
People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.
God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.
Come in and pray today. Beat the Easter rush!
When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right.
Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.
Fight truth decay - Study the Bible.
How will you spend eternity: Smoking or Non-smoking?
Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives.
Work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long, and the pay is low. But the Retirement Benefits are out of this world.
It is unlikely there will be a reduction in the wages of sin.
Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.
If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again.
CH _ _ CH What is missing?" UR
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.
If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.
SERMONS & STORIES
The church that is not interested in Evangelism and soul-winning is not worthy of the ground that it occupies.
We are to evangelize, or we will fossilize.
Our mandate is to preach the glorious gospel of Jesus Christ to everyone.
The Bible says of that early church, in those days, the number of the disciples was multiplied.
In many churches of today, it doesn’t even make good addition.
We do so little with so much. They did so much with so little.
They didn’t have any colleges or seminaries. They didn’t have any radio or television stations. They had no printing presses. They had no finances. They had no prestige.
They went out to tell the message of a Galilean peasant. A carpenter's son who was crucified.
They went out against the imperial might of Rome. The went out against the intellectual sophistry of Greece. They went out against the stiff-necked bigotry of the Jewish religion.
And it was said of them that they turned that world, upside down.
- Reverend Adrian Rogers
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Enrichment Workshop, Frank and his wife Angela listened to the instructor forcefully state, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He then addressed the men. “Gentlemen. Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?” Frank leaned over, touched Angela’s arm gently, and whispered,
“Gold Medal All-Purpose, Isn’t it?”
And thus began Frank’s brief life of celibacy.
The Actor and the Shepherd
One day at a large party a great Actor was asked to recite the Twenty-Third Psalm. The Actor said that he would if a Preacher who was present would also recite the Psalm. The Preacher said that he would.
The Actor was a great speaker. His voice was beautiful. The people listened carefully. They were thrilled with the way he recited the Psalm. When the Actor was finished, the people instantly clapped their hands and shouted with approval. They thought that the Actor was a wonderful speaker.
As the Preacher, who was an old man, rose to his feet. He began to recite the Psalm but his voice trembled. At times he paused, as if thinking of the blissful wonders revealed in the Psalm.
The Lord seemed to speak through him to the audience. When he had finished, no one clapped. Most of the people were teary-eyed or crying. Many sat with bowed heads. The Good Shepherd had become very real to them as the old Preacher had spoken.
The Actor rose to his feet again. Laying his hand on the shoulder of the old Preacher, he said, “My friends, I spoke to your eyes and to your ears, but this man spoke to your hearts. The difference between us is simply this; I know the Twenty-Third Psalm, but this man knows the Shepherd.”
Why Men are Rarely Depressed
- They never change they’re last name.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- They never get pregnant.
- They can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
- They can wear no T-shirt to a water park.
- Their bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
- Car mechanics tell them the truth.
- Their world is a urinal.
- Wedding dress is about $5000 but a good Tux rental is about $500.
- The same hair style can last for decades.
- Lint on the back of their shoulder doesn’t matter.
- They can write their name in the snow.
- They don’t know who Calvin Klein is ... and don’t really care.
- They always know which way to turn a nut onto a bolt.
- They only shave their face and neck.
- They never have strap problems in public.
- Their pants is the universal place to wipe soiled hands.
- They play with toys all of their lives.
The Cow, The Dog, The Monkey, and The Man
On the first day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.” The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life, you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.” God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.” So, God agreed.
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty year life span.” Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think I like that. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?” And, God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, work, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.” Man said, “What? Only twenty years? Seriously! Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?” God said “Okay. You've got a deal.”
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
We Survived And Turned Out Better
- First, most of us didn’t have mothers who smoked or drank booze while they were pregnant.
- As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires, and sometimes no brakes.
- We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, and no locks on doors or cabinets.
- We had baseball caps on our heads instead of helmets.
- Riding in the back of a pick-up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
- We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
- We shared one soft drink with four friends, from the same bottle, and no one got a disease.
- We ate cupcakes made with lard, white bread, real butter, and bacon.
- We drank FLAV-OR-AID made with real white sugar. And, we weren’t overweight. Why?
- Because we were always outside playing ... that’s why!
- We would leave home in the morning and play with our friends most of the day.
- No one was able to reach us, because we didn’t have cell phones or pagers. And, we were Okay.
- We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill.
- We had friends from all ethnic backgrounds, and no one heard of cross-cultural studies.
- We did not have Play Stations, Nintendo’s, and X-boxes.
- There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies, CD’s, or DVD’s.
- No surround-sound. No cell phones. No personal computers. No Internet. No chat-rooms.
- We made friends without Facebook because we went outside and found them!
- We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
- We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping pong paddles, or just a bare hand and no one would call child services to report abuse.
- We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, and we didn’t turn into serial killers.
- We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house, knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
- Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment.
- The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. Most times they actually sided with the law!
- Those generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors the world has ever seen.
- The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas; yet, what can kids today do besides sit in a chair and push buttons?
- They can’t even add in their head without using a calculator.
- A nationwide survey discovered that many youth don’t know who won the Civil War, and a few said they didn’t care.
- We didn’t need government bailouts, and a shipload of needless regulation.
- We had freedom, failure, success, and responsibility; and we learned how to deal with it all.
Prayer for Leroy
At the Saturday night tent revival the preacher announces, “Anyone with needs’ to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar. Leroy gets in line, and when it’s his turn, the preacher asks: “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?” Leroy replies: “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.“ The preacher puts one finger in Leroy’s ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy’s head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy. After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, “Leroy - how is your hearing now?” To which Leroy replies, “I don’t know yet, Reverend, my hearing ain’t scheduled til next Wednesday.”
Which Do You Want
As a young boy enters a barber shop, the barber whispers to his customer, “This kid has got to be the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other and then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later that day, the customer sees the same young boy coming out of an ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”
Son In College
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Scribbling On Paper
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $100.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $1000.”
The third boy says, “I got you all beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
Mary had a little Lamb
Mary had a little Lamb, His fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, the Lamb was sure to go. He followed her to school each day, T'wasn’t even in the rule. It made the children laugh and play, to have a Lamb at school.
And then the rules all changed one day, illegal it became; To bring the Lamb of God to school, or even speak His Name. Every day got worse and worse, and days turned into years. Instead of hearing children laugh, we heard gunshots and tears.
What must we do to stop the crime that’s in our schools today? Let’s let the Lamb come back to school, and Teach our kids to pray!
On a pastoral visit, the young minister asked the elder lady if she was concerned about the hereafter. To which she stated, “Oh my goodness yes. I think about it everyday. I come out to the kitchen and then say to myself, now what am I here after.”
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that get 1000 mi/gal.”
Recently a spokesperson for General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: “Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?”
Visitor: “Sir, this building is immense! I am wonder struck by the majesty of such construction. Its height and space truly glorifies the Lord. Why don’t people build cathedrals today?”
Guide: “Young man. These huge Gothic structures were built hundreds of years ago when people were motivated by conviction to express their faith through this type of a building. Today, people don’t have convictions, they have opinions, and opinions don’t build cathedrals.“
There were two men who survived a disastrous shipwreck and managed to swim away from the rocks to a beach on the island. After gaining their composure, one of them began screaming and yelling. “We’re going to die! We’re going to die! There’s no food! No water! We’re going to die!”
The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acted so calmly, it nearly drove the first man crazy. “Hey, don’t you understand?!” We’re going to die!!” he said to the second man.
“You don’t understand. I make $100,000 a week,” said the second man.
The first man looked at him completely dumbfounded, and asked, “What difference does that make? We’re on an island with no food, no water, no means of communication, and hardly any shelter! Were going to die!!! What good is a $100,00 to us now?”
“Everything,” answered the second man , “You don’t understand. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe to the very cent. My pastor will find me!”
Messiah or Mad Man
In response to people who often say, “I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept His claim to be God.”
C.S. Lewis stated: “A man who was merely man and said the things that Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would be a lunatic on the level with someone who says he is a poached egg.
Either this man was the Son of God as he claimed to be, or he was a mad man.”
Door is Open
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger’s side, I tried the door handle and discovered it was open. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “It’s open!” “I know,” answered the young man. “I already got that side.”
Words That Mean More Than One Thing
- We must polish the Polish furniture.
- He could lead if he would get the lead out.
- The farm was used to produce the produce.
- The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
- The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
- This was a good time to present the present.
- A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
- When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
- I did not object to the object.
- The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
- The bandage was wound around the wound.
- There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
- They were too close to the door to close it.
- The buck does funny things when the does are present.
- To help with the planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
- The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
- After a number of injections my jaw got number.
- Upon seeing a tear in my clothes I shed a tear.
- I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
- The singer had to record the record.
- Will you be able to live through a live concert?
College Dictionary of Term Paper Phrases (and what they really mean)
RESEARCH PHRASE TRANSLATION
It has long been known... I didn’t look up the original reference.
It is believed that... It’s what I think.
It is generally believed that... A couple of other people think so too.
It has become obvious that... Hoping that you can’t refute it.
A definite trend is evident... This data is practically meaningless.
Of great theoretical and practical Interesting to me at least.
While it has not been possible to provide An unsuccessful experiment, but I still
definite answers to these questions... hope to get it published.
Three of the samples were chosen for ...because the results of the others
detailed study... didn’t support my theory.
Typical results are shown... The best results are shown.
These results will be shown in a I might get around to this sometime if
subsequent report... pressured to do so.
The most reliable results are those He was my graduate assistant.
obtained by Jones...
It is clear that much additional work Okay, I don’t understand it.
will be required before a complete
understanding of the phenomenon occurs...
Correct within an order of magnitude... Ok, so its wrong.
It is hoped that this study will stimulate Not admitting this is a lousy paper.
further investigation in this field...
Special thanks are due to John for John did the work and Frank explained
assistance with the experiment and to it all to me.
Frank for valuable discussions...
If Jesus Started His Ministry Today
He would be cited by the...
American Medical Association for practicing medicine without a license. (Mark 1:34)
Federal Bureau of Investigation for terroristic threats. (Matt. 24:21-22)
Federal Drug Administration for distributing wine without a license. (John 2:8-9)
Federal Aviation Administration for flying without a pilot’s license. (Acts 1:9)
Coast Guard for walking on water without a life-jacket. (Mark 6:48)
Environmental Protection Agency and Sierra Club for killing a fig tree. (Mark 11:14,20)
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission for practicing discrimination. (Matt. 10:5-6)
Department of Housing and Urban Development for encouraging homelessness. (Matt. 8:20)
Department of Labor for violating the Family & Medical Leave Act. (Luke 9:59-60)
Department of Health for opening graves without a permit. (John 11:39)
Occupational Safety and Health Administration for unsafe workplace. (Matt. 14:25-31)
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals for killing a herd of swine. (Luke 8:32-33)
National Tolerance League for hate speech. (Matt. 25:30)
National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice on living a guilt-free life. (John 8:31-32)
National Organization of Women for not choosing a woman apostle. (Luke 6:13-16)
National Education Association for teaching without being certificated. (Matt. 21:23)
Inter-Faith Movement for condemning all other religions. (John 14:6)
23rd Cyber Psalm
The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash.
He installeth His software on the hard disk of my heart;
All of His commands are user-friendly.
His directory guides me to the right choices for His name’s sake.
Yea though I scroll through the problems of life,
I will fear no bugs, for He is my system backup.
His user ID and password protects me.
He prepares a menu before me in the presense of my enemies.
His help is one keystroke away.
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life,
And my files will be archived and saved in heaven forever.
Atheism collapses under its own bravado. To claim there is no God, one would have to know everything. For it would require infinite knowledge in order to be certain that no God exists anywhere in any form. No evidence does not prove that somethings does not exist. If the Atheist possessed this capability, he/she would then be God. Since the Atheist is obviously not God, and further claims there is no God, this kind of logic is self defeating.
Every time we get a good pastor, it seems that we get a sorry pastor’s wife; and every time we get a good pastor’s wife we get a sorry pastor. Well Reverend, I just want you to know that your wife is the best pastor’s wife that we've ever had!
A wealthy CEO employed the best scientists, engineers, biochemists, and genetic planners in his very highly successful corporation. One day they discovered how to create life in the laboratory and dreamed of ruling the earth and improving it as they saw fit.
That evening the CEO walked out into his garden and looked upon the many different beautiful flowers and dreamed that one day very soon, his own corporation would also be able to create many different forms of life. He started to feel like God back in the garden of Eden. Before long he thought, his corporation would convince people to dispense with God because people would receive everything from his corporation.
Looking up into the darkening sky, he said: “God we don’t need you any more. Why don’t you just step aside and let us run everything now.” God answered: “Ok, I will, after we have a little contest. You create a human being out of dirt and then I will step aside.”
The CEO confidently reached down into the rich garden soil and lifted up a handful of dirt. God immediately interjected: “Hey, get your own dirt.”
Honest Hymns Titles
A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness
All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name
Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
Blest Be the Tie that Doesn’t Cramp My Style
Fill My Spoon, Lord
He’s Quite a Bit to Me
I Love to Think About the Story
I Surrender Some
It is My Secret What God Can Do
Joyful, Joyful We Appreciate Thee
Just As I Pretend to Be
My Faith Looks Around for Thee
My Hope Is Built on Nothing Much
O, God, Our Enabler in Ages Past
Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
Oh, How I Like Jesus
Onward, Christian Non-Combatants
Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
Praise God From Whom All Affirmations Flow
Self-esteem to the World
Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somwhere Near Me
Take My Life and Let Me Be
There Is Cloudiness in My Soul Today
There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings
What an Acquaintence We Have in Jesus
When Peace, Like a Trickle
When The Saints Go Sneaking In
Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
A torn and ragged one dollar bill discovered that it was about to be retired from circulation. As it slowly moved along the conveyor belt to the shredder, it became acquainted and struck up a conversation with a fifty dollar bill that was meeting a similar fate.
The fifty began reminiscing about its travels all over the country. “Life has been good,” the fifty exclaimed. “Why I've been to Las Vegas, the finest restaurants in New York, political fund raisers, and just returned from a cruise on the Caribbean.”
“Gee,” said the one dollar bill, “You're fortunate to have been able to visit all those places.”
“So where all have you been in your lifetime my little friend,” says the fifty?
“Well, I've been to
the Methodist Church,
the Baptist Church,
the Presbyterian Church,
the Lutheran Church,
the Catholic Church,
the Orthodox Church,
the Assembly of God Church,
the Brethren Church,
the Quaker Church,
the Mennonite Church,
the United Church of Christ
“Excuse me,” says the fifty, “What’s a church?”
Died In Service
After church one Sunday morning, a very young boy was looking at a plaque on the wall of the narthex while the pastor was shaking hands and greeting people. On the wooden plaque were several names, prefixed with a large silver star. The pastor later walked over to the little boy and asked him if he understood what he was looking at.
The toddler exclaimed: “Why is there a big silver star in front of each name?” With a voice of gratitude, the pastor soberly explained: “This is was list of everyone who had died in the service.” After a moments pause the boy exclaimed, “Sir, was that the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?”
The local sprint-car race track at the end of town began having races on Sunday evening. It was bad enough hearing all that noise every Saturday night, but Sunday - the Lord’s Day!?
Pastor and a few deacons of the only church in town decided to visit the race track owner in the hope of stopping the Sunday evening noise in a friendly and agreeable manner.
The church officials explained their concerns to the race track owner who listened attentively. When they had finished, the owner politely explained to them, that if they would keep their own church members from attending the Sunday evening races, he would have no choice but to stop having races on Sunday.
Will Need Help
So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I am almost perfect.
However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help for the rest of the day.
Supervisor: "Why are all these URL’s attached to our web pages?"
"Please remove them, immediately."
Staff: "Right away sir." "I'll replace them with Uniform Resource Locators."
Supervisor: "Excellent." "I knew that you could handle it."
What did we get?
As Ben Franklin was leaving the Constitutional Convention on a still, warm September afternoon in 1787, a young woman approached him and asked, “Well, Dr. Franklin what have you given us?” He musingly replied, “A republic, if you can keep it.”
Will it be true?
Mark Twain said it best: “In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ...in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ...seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.”
4 yr old: "Why do you wear that big hat?"
Cowboy: "Well, son, the big hat protects me from hot sun and
driving rain, and at night I put it over my face when
I sleep on the range, so it protects me then, too."
4 yr old: "Why do you wear that leather vest?"
Cowboy: "It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has
pockets where I can keep my valuables."
4 yr old: "Why do you wear leather chaps?"
Cowboy: "They protect my legs when I'm driving my horse through
mesquite and cactus."
4 yr old: "Why do you wear sneakers instead of cowboy boots?"
Cowboy: "If I wore cowboy boots, people might think that I'm a truck driver."
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem around his house. The driveway was filled with toys and bikes. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread next to the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging comfortably in the bedroom, still curled in bed, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?!!!”
She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do all day?”
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply. She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”
Learning our colors
Grandmother wasn’t sure if her granddaughter had learned all of her colors yet, so she decided to give her a little test. Grandmother would point to something in the house and ask the granddaughter what color it was. The little girl always replied correctly. It was so much fun that the grandmother continued with this little exercise. After a while, the granddaughter became weary and said, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out these colors for yourself!”
I halve a spelling checker, it kame wit my pc. It plainly marquees fore mi. review miss takes I dew knot sea. I’ve ran dish poem threw it, I’m shore your please too no, Its letter perfect inn it’s weigh, my chequer told me sew!
The udder satisfaction two no my poem is wright, Cud aide in getting me a rays and help me sleep at knight! They’re is know weigh that I kin flail, success is plane too sea, Fore with my spill cheque working, I’m the best that I Cain bee!
1. Know THEIR business!
2. Know YOUR products!
3. Return to number one.
The New Year
I said to the man who stood at the gateway of the new year: “Give me a light that I may step safely into the unknown.”
And he said to me: “Step out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be better to you than any light, and safer than any known way.”
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride’s side and groom’s side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was just trying to be the Ring Bear.”
The Proper Conclusion
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and conversation, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Quite some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you might conclude.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “And what does that tell you?” asked Holmes.
Pondering for a minute, Watson then declared: “Why I believe that:
Astronomically, it tells me that there are billions of galaxies.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are not.
Meteorologically, I suspect that tomorrow will be a beautiful day.
Did I arrive at the proper conclusion Mr. Homes?”
After a brief moments pause Holmes said. “Actually Watson, my good man, I was hoping that you would have noticed that someone has stolen our tent.”
Understanding the Bible
Mark Twain was supposedly asked during a theological discussion, if he was bothered by the many passages of the Bible that he did not understand. “No,” he replied, “Just the ones that I do understand.”
We can choose,
to throw them,
to stumble on them,
to climb over them,
or to build with them.
- William Arthur Ward
EVANGELICAL - The Bible is the Plenary, Verbally Inspired, Infallible and Inerrant, Authoritative Word of God as viewed in the original autographs.
PROGRESSIVE - The original Word of God is lost among the vast number of manuscripts, but devout men have thoughtfully selected those portions which are corporately deemed to have been a part of the original. In other words, God’s Word is in Continuous Transition.
NEO-ORTHODOX - The Bible is partly genuine, but too often prejudiced by copyists, church bishops, and translators. Some passages are probably the words of God and others are the words of men. If the Bible contains a passage that Especially Ministers To You, then “for that moment only” that scripture has become the Word of God.
MODERNIST - The Bible is a collection of wisdom and history that reveals the “religious experiences” of a people called the Israelites, or the Jews. Therefore, it is only One View of Religion, for many other faiths and cultures have also given us knowledge about God.
UNITARIAN - God ministers to men and women through various methods and devices or vehicles. If you are inspired by a brilliant sunset or a field of flowers, then through This Vehicle, God’s Word has been given to you.
AGNOSTIC - If there is a God, he is both unseen and unknowable. So there is no Reliable Way to Prove that the Bible is genuine to any degree of certitude.
ATHEIST - There is no God! So the Bible is Just Another Book.
Year 2000 Problem is Solved
The latest corporate strategy to counteract the Millennium Bug has
been defined as a lower cost alternative for Desktop conversions. The
goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999, and
provide everyone with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for
1. No Y2K problems - during any Millennium.
2. No technical glitches to keep work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing e-mails.
4. Substantial hardware cost savings.
Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over
the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: DON’t SHAKE IT!
If you tell a man that the universe has billions of stars, he will believe you. If you tell the same man that the bench has just been painted, he has’t to touch it to be sure!
Only in America
Where else can you walk out of your mortgaged home, step into a time payment car, and drive down a bonded highway, on credit card gas, to charge something at a going out of business sale, so we can all pay taxes to a government that is spending our great-grand-children's future. What a system!
Measuring the Pole
While walking through a construction zone, a man saw four people measuring a pole. Two men were holding the pole so that it would not fall over, the third was climbing in order to drop the tape, and the fourth was waiting at the bottom to read the numbers. The passerby asked the fourth man: “Wouldn’t it be much easier to lay the pole on the ground?” to which he responded, “We don’t want to know how long it is, we want to know how high it is.”
The Span of Life is...
soon leave in death,
then under the sod,
then up to heaven,
to spend eternity with God.
Funny, isn’t it?
Funny how a $10 bill looks so big when you take it to church,
but so small when you take it to the market.
Funny how long it takes to serve God for an hour,
but how quickly a team plays 60 minutes of soccer.
Funny how long are a couple of hours spent at church,
but how short they are when watching a movie.
Funny how we can’t think of anything to say when we pray,
but don’t have difficulty thinking of things to talk about to a friend.
Funny how we get thrilled when a baseball game goes into extra innings,
but complain when a sermon is longer by just a few minutes.
Funny how hard it is to read a chapter in the Bible,
but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a best selling novel.
Funny how people want to get a front seat at any game or concert,
but scramble to get a back seat at church services.
Funny how we need 2-3 weeks advance notice to fit a church event into
our schedule, but can adjust our schedule for other events at the very last minute.
Funny how much difficulty some people have learning to share the gospel with others,
but how simple it is to understand and repeat gossip.
Funny how we believe what the newspapers say,
but rush to question what the Bible says.
Funny, how everyone wants to go to heaven, provided they don’t have
to believe, or to think, or to say, or to do anything.
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful Princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one full week.” The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
The frog then cried out loudly, “If you kiss me, and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for a week, and do anything you want.” Again, the boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog shouted, “Hey, what is it with you? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The boy said, “Try to understand, I'm only nine years old. I'm not really in to girls yet. But having a talking frog is pretty cool.”
Sing to the tune of YESTERDAY by Paul McCartney
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
There’s not half the files there used to be,
And now a millstones hanging over me
My system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong.
...what it was I could not say.
Now all my data’s gone
... how I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I thought my data was here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
Native-American tribal wisdom says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
However, politicians have been known to try the following:
- Buy a stronger whip.
- Change riders.
- Say, “This is the way we have always ridden this horse.”
- Appoint a committee to study the horse.
- Arrange to visit other farms to see how they ride dead horses.
- Lower the standards for riding dead horses.
- Provide additional funding to the owner of the horse.
- Use a different saddle.
- Compare the state of dead horses in today’s environment.
- Lower standards so that, the horse may not actually be categorized as dead.
- Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
- Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
- Declare that: “No horse is too dead to beat.”
- Provide additional funding to the owner of the horse.
- Do a feasibility study to see if it can be sold.
- Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
- Declare the horse is: “better, faster and cheaper” dead.
- Form a committee to find uses for dead horses.
- Re-interpret the performance requirements for horses being dead.
- Create a Dead Horse Sensitivity Group.
Quickest Love Story
I hate golf !
I hate golf !!
I hate golf !!!
I hate golf !!!!
.................... Hey, that was a great shot!
I love golf !
I love golf !!
I love golf !!!
I’ve always loved golf !!!!
Do What You Can
Do all the good you can,
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the people you can,
As long as ever you can.
You Know You're an Internet Junkie When...
- You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom, but stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
- Your new tattoo reads: “This body best viewed with Netscape.”
- You name your children Mozilla, Chrome, Safari, and Opera.
- You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
- You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your munchies in the overhead compartment.
- You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
- You laugh at people with 28800 baud modems.
- You start using smileys in your snail mail.
- You ask your spouse to pass the listserv during breakfast.
- You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a regular typewriter.
- You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
- You start introducing yourself as JohnDoe@worldnet.com.
- All of your friends have an @ in their names.
- Your cat has its own homepage.
- You can’t call your mother because she doesn’t have a modem.
- You check your e-mail and it returns with: “no new messages” ... so you check it again.
- You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
- You don’t know what sex, three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames.
- You move into a new house and decide to Netscape ... before you landscape.
- You tell the cab driver you live at http://www.5386.market.red.house/brick/white/picketfence.htm
You can tell this was written in the 1990's.
Another Change Light Bulb Story
Question: How many listserv subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
- 1 -to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.
- 14 -to share similar experiences of how they changed their light bulbs differently.
- 7 -to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
- 27 -to point out spelling/grammar errors in all the postings about changing light bulbs.
- 53 -to flame the spell checkers.
- 156 -to write to the list administrator complaining about the inappropriateness of the light bulb discussion.
- 41 -to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
- 109 -to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to urge them to join alt.light.bulb.turn
- 203 -to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
- 111 -to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant!!!
- 306 -to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior,where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
- 6 -to bash Microsoft, even though they do not make light bulbs.
- 27 -to post URLs displaying examples of various light bulbs.
- 14 -to post that monotonous lists of URLs transgress the rules of this particular list.
- 3 -to post about interesting links they found from the URLs posts.
- 12 -to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they are weary of the light bulb controversy.
- 42 -to suggest that posters request the light bulb UFAQ.
- 1 -to propose a new newsgroup: alt.CHANGE.light.bulb.turn.
- 57 -to say this is just what alt.better.lighting was meant for.
- 138 -lurkers suggest that we discuss the merit’s of better lighting.
- 2 -to gleefully point out that these numbers don’t add up to 1,331.
- ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
- BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where some women go to dye.
- CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
- CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
- COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
- DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
- EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
- GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
- HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
- INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
- MYTH: A female moth.
- MOSQUITO: An insect that makes flies look good after all.
- SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
- WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
- TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
- TOMORROW: One of today’s greatest labour saving devices.
- YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
How not to die
A Priest, a Drunkard, and a Mechanic were lined up at the Guillotine for a group be-heading. They were given the choice to look up or to look facing down in the guillotine.
The priest said, “Well Heaven is up, so I'll look up, so I can see where I'm going.” So they placed the Priest in the guillotine facing up and released the blade. However, the blade stopped just inches from the Priest. So, they let him go, thinking that it was a miracle.
The drunkard thought, “Well if it worked for the Priest, it might work for me,” So, he laid down on the guillotine looking face up. They released the blade, and, just as before, it stopped just inches from the Drunkard. So they let him go thinking, this was also a miracle.
The Mechanic thought, “Why should I mess with these odds?” So in like manner, they put him in the guillotine looking face up. They released the blade, and just as before, the blade stopped just inches above the Mechanic. So they let him go for the same reason, that it must be a day of miracles. As the Mechanic was standing next to the Guillotine, with his usual inquisitiveness. He exclaimed: “Oh, wait a second everyone. I see the problem! Hey, I can fix this.”
How many environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb? Ten. One to install the new bulb and nine to figure out what to do with the discarded bulb for the next 10,000 years.
Under a government of ...
Socialism..........the State will take one and give it to someone else.
Communism..........the State will take both of them and give you some milk.
Fascism............the State will take both of them and sell you the milk.
Nazism.............the State will take both of them and question your beliefs.
Bureaucracy........the State will take one of them, but spill most of the milk.
Capitalism.........you sell one, buy a bull, keep the milk but share it.
Can You Hear Me
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, “Honey, can you hear me?” There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, “Honey, can you hear me?” Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, “Honey, can you hear me?” She replied, “For the third time, Yes!”
How to Write a College Paper
- Sit in a comfortable chair in a well-lighted area with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
- Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand what the professor wants.
- Walk down to the vending machines and buy a can of soda to help you concentrate.
- Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with a friend from class, to make sure he/she knows you are writing the paper.
- Sharpen your pencils.
- Read over the assignment again to make absolutely’ certain you understand what the professor wants.
- Think about that good looking person’ who sits just in front of you, two rows over.
- Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror, just in case a friend stops in to chat.
- Listen to one side of your favorite tape, and start writing your paper.
- Listen to the other side of the tape.
- Rearrange all of your CD’s into alphabetical order.
- Phone a friend on another floor and ask if he/she started writing yet. (so that they also know that you are writing the paper)
- Sit in a comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted area with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
- Read over the assignment again to be sure you understand it.
- Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV.
- “Oh my gosh, Soul Train is on Channel 26.”
- Phone a friend on the third floor to see if he/she is watching, and then discuss the music.
- Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
- Brush your teeth, just in case your love stops by unannounced.
- Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
- Sit down and do some serious thinking about the future.
- Open your door and check to see if there are any strangers lurking in the hall.
- Check with the dorm parents to see if you got any phone calls.
- Sit in a comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted area with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
- Read over the assignment just one more time.
- Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise, then lie face down on the floor and moan.
- Jump up and turn off your alarm clock.
- Sit down and finish writing the paper.
- Type the paper.
- Complain to everyone in class that you didn’t get any sleep because you had to write this dumb paper!
The Young Businessman
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. While sitting in his new office chair, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend that he had a big deal in progress. He shouted out huge numbers, and laughed occasionally, all the while motioning to the prospective client not to leave. Finally he hung up the phone and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?” The young businessman said, “Yeh. I’m from the telephone company. I’ve come to install your phone.”
I went to see my psychologist the other day, and I said; “Doc, I've been having trouble sleeping because these strange dreams keep me awake.”
“Really, go on”, replied the doctor. “Yes, really.” “One night I dreamed I was a wigwam, and the next night I had the same exact dream, except this time I
was a tee-pee.”
“Well, I see what your problem is,” said the doctor. “Honestly? What’s my problem?” I asked. The doctor said: “You're too tents!”
Two small boys were gazing at a modern abstract painting in an art gallery. After looking at it for a while, one boy said to the other: “Let’s get out of here before they blame us for doing that!”
One day a mailman was greeted by a boy and a huge dog. The mailman said to the boy, “Does your dog bite?” “No,” replied the boy. Just then the huge dog bit the mailman, and he yelled, “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” “He doesn’t,” replied the boy. “But that’s not my dog!”
Judge Manuel Rocker of Shaker Heights, Ohio, recently sentenced a 19-year-old boy to stand in the middle of a pig sty for three hours, because he called a policeman a pig. When asked by local reporters afterwards if the Judge felt that his decision was truly appropriate, the Judge exclaimed: “It’s just good for that young man that he didn’t call the officer a crocodile.”
Very Important Person
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast of the United States and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile.
“Sure,” replied the Chauffeur, realizing that he didn’t have much of a choice. So, the Chauffeur gets in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope drives onto Interstate 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the red lights of a state police car in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper walks up.
The trooper, seeing who it was, says: “Just a moment please, I need to call this in.” The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he’s got a really important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it.
“It’s not Ted Kennedy again is it?” replied the chief. “No Sir!” replied the trooper, “This guy’s way more important.” “Is it the Governor?” replied the chief. “No! Even more important than the Governor!” replied the trooper. “Is it the PRESIDENT???” replied the chief. “No! Even more important!” replied the trooper. “Well then, who is it!?” screams the chief. “I don’t know Sir, but he’s got the Pope as his Chauffeur.”
A tiny four-year-old girl was spending a night away from home, and when ready for bedtime prayers, she realized that her hostess was not able to prompt her as was the case at home. Thus she began: “Dear God, ’scuse me because I can’t remember my prayers, and I'm staying with a lady who don’t know any.”
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did. Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!
Love & Hate
As a group of college students were touring the slums of a large city, one of them, upon witnessing a young child playing in the dirt, asked the guide, “Why doesn’t her mother clean her up?” Came the reply: “Because, her mother loves her, but doesn’t hate the dirt enough. You hate the dirt, but don’t love the child enough to clean her up. Until love for the child, and hate for the dirt reside in the same person, the child will continue to play in the dirt.”